第45章

THE THREE BADGERS.

Still more dreamily I found myself following this imperious voice into a room where the Earl, his daughter, and Arthur, were seated.

"So you're come at last!" said Lady Muriel, in a tone of playful reproach.

"I was delayed," I stammered.Though what it was that had delayed me Ishould have been puzzled to explain! Luckily no questions were asked.

The carriage was ordered round, the hamper, containing our contribution to the Picnic, was duly stowed away, and we set forth.

There was no need for me to maintain the conversation.Lady Muriel and Arthur were evidently on those most delightful of terms, where one has no need to check thought after thought, as it rises to the lips, with the fear 'this will not be appreciated--this will give' offence--this will sound too serious--this will sound flippant': like very old friends, in fullest sympathy, their talk rippled on.

"Why shouldn't we desert the Picnic and go in some other direction?"she suddenly suggested."A party of four is surely self-sufficing?

And as for food, our hamper--"

"Why shouldn't we? What a genuine lady's argument!" laughed Arthur.

"A lady never knows on which side the onus probandi--the burden of proving--lies!""Do men always know?" she asked with a pretty assumption of meek docility.

"With one exception--the only one I can think of Dr.Watts, who has asked the senseless question 'Why should I deprive my neighbour Of his goods against his will?'

Fancy that as an argument for Honesty! His position seems to be 'I'm only honest because I see no reason to steal.' And the thief's answer is of course complete and crushing.'I deprive my neighbour of his goods because I want them myself.And I do it against his will because there's no chance of getting him to consent to it!'""I can give you one other exception," I said: "an argument I heard only to-day---and not by a lady.'Why shouldn't I walk on my own forehead?'""What a curious subject for speculation!" said Lady Muriel, turning to me, with eyes brimming over with laughter."May we know who propounded the question? And did he walk on his own forehead?""I ca'n't remember who it was that said it!" I faltered."Nor where Iheard it!"

"Whoever it was, I hope we shall meet him at the Picnic!" said Lady Muriel.

"It's a far more interesting question than 'Isn't this a picturesque ruin?'

Aren't those autumn-tints lovely?' I shall have to answer those two questions ten times, at least, this afternoon!""That's one of the miseries of Society!" said Arthur."Why ca'n't people let one enjoy the beauties of Nature without having to say so every minute? Why should Life be one long Catechism?""It's just as bad at a picture-gallery," the Earl remarked.

"I went to the R.A.last May, with a conceited young artist: and he did torment me! I wouldn't have minded his criticizing the pictures himself:

but I had to agree with him--or else to argue the point, which would have been worse!""It was depreciatory criticism, of course?" said Arthur.

"I don't see the 'of course' at all."

"Why, did you ever know a conceited man dare to praise a picture?

The one thing he dreads (next to not being noticed) is to be proved fallible! If you once praise a picture, your character for infallibility hangs by a thread.Suppose it's a figure-picture, and you venture to say 'draws well.' Somebody measures it, and finds one of the proportions an eighth of an inch wrong.You are disposed of as a critic! 'Did you say he draws well?'

your friends enquire sarcastically, while you hang your head and blush.

No.The only safe course, if any one says 'draws well,' is to shrug your shoulders.'Draws well?' you repeat thoughtfully.'Draws well?

Humph!' That's the way to become a great critic!"Thus airily chatting, after a pleasant drive through a few miles of beautiful scenery, we reached the rendezvous--a ruined castle--where the rest of the picnic-party were already assembled.We spent an hour or two in sauntering about the ruins: gathering at last, by common consent, into a few random groups, seated on the side of a mound, which commanded a good view of the old castle and its surroundings.

The momentary silence, that ensued, was promptly taken possession of or, more correctly, taken into custody--by a Voice; a voice so smooth, so monotonous, so sonorous, that one felt, with a shudder, that any other conversation was precluded, and that, unless some desperate remedy were adopted, we were fated to listen to a Lecture, of which no man could foresee the end!

The speaker was a broadly-built man, whose large, flat, pale face was bounded on the North by a fringe of hair, on the East and West by a fringe of whisker, and on the South by a fringe of beard--the whole constituting a uniform halo of stubbly whitey-brown bristles.His features were so entirely destitute of expression that I could not help saying to myself--helplessly, as if in the clutches of a night-mare--"they are only penciled in: no final touches as yet!" And he had a way of ending every sentence with a sudden smile, which spread like a ripple over that vast blank surface, and was gone in a moment, leaving behind it such absolute solemnity that I felt impelled to murmur "it was not he: it was somebody else that smiled!""Do you observe?" (such was the phrase with which the wretch began each sentence) "Do you observe the way in which that broken arch, at the very top of the ruin, stands out against the clear sky? It is placed exactly right: and there is exactly enough of it.A little more, or a little less, and all would be utterly spoiled!"[Image...A lecture, on art]